I came out as a lesbian rather late in life and there was around a 6-month period after I realised I was gay that I just kept calm and carried on. I was married to a man and had 2 young children. I had worked so hard to reach security and stability and I didn’t want to do anything hasty. During that time, I did a lot of reading online articles, including ones on the topic of how to tell if a woman likes another woman. 

As with most things on this website, I’ve created this post because I wasn’t impressed with the amount of information out there for lesbians, especially late in life lesbians. In this post, I’m going to analyse the advice that is out there and add my own experiences to it. Spoiler: real life turns out to be a lot more nuanced than blogs and articles would have us believe.

It might seem like I’m being a bit negative and cynical in parts, but I’m just trying to convey that attraction is complex and isn’t something that can be easily summarised in an online article. For example, something I’m working on is that if I’m attracted to someone I will literally be too afraid to do a few of the things on this list! In fact if I’m doing some of these, I’m relaxed enough not to care what you think of me (ie, I’m not attracted!). 

I’m going to play devil’s advocate and I’ll tell you about the experience I’ve gained. I hope that taking into account a few extra possibilities gives you added confidence when deciding whether to make a move. I’m also speaking up for those who feel awkward about flirting and showing someone that they like them – please don’t automatically write someone off if we aren’t doing some of the things in this list!

To research this article, I consulted the general consensus of the internet (via the gift of Google Gemini AI) first. This is the prompt I used:

look for online articles around the subject of “how to know if a woman likes another woman”. Tell me the most common things that are talked about

It gave me 11 ways. I’m going to go through each and add my two cents…

AI said:

1. Physical Proximity and Touch: She frequently seeks to be in your personal space, sits or stands closer than necessary, or leans in when you speak. A tell-tale sign is frequent or lingering physical contact, such as touching your arm, hand, or shoulder—often referred to as “accidental” touches or touch in places platonic friends might avoid (e.g., the small of the back)

My verdict:

Yes, if a woman is doing this, there’s a good chance she could be attracted. We don’t usually touch people we don’t like. 

On the flipside, bear in mind that some lesbians are in their masculine energy and might not be overly touchy-feely in general. Some women have experienced abuse and touch can be triggering for them – if they don’t feel comfortable with being touched by someone they don’t know very well, they may not initiate it either. Research indicates that Neurodivergence is more likely among LGBTQ+ folks, and neurodivergent queer women may experience and approach physical touch differently to neurotypicals. I was seeing someone who had something on their shoulder. My head was yelling at me to flirtily remove it from her shoulder but my arm literally would.not.move.  I physically couldn’t do it, but I did really like her.

So in summary I’d say it depends on the individual person – I have straight women friends who are very tactile with each other. It is also worth considering whether they do this with everyone or just you? Have they always done it or just started to? How do they respond if you touch them? Is she doing at least a couple of the other things in this list too?

AI said:

2. Suggestive Body Language: She may exhibit classic signs of flirting like playing with her hair, biting her lip, or mirroring your movements and postures subconsciously.

My verdict:

Again, there are straight women who do this, perhaps for the attention, perhaps it is subconscious and they don’t realise they are doing it! If you know she is a lesbian though, this can be promising. Some lesbians who have more masculine energy are unlikely to behave like this in my experience (and don’t confuse feminine appearance with feminine energy, they aren’t always the same). Lesbians with short hair wouldn’t really be able to play with their hair very much either. Some neurodivergent wlw may be less likely to mirror your movements in general. So again, I would observe whether she does this with anyone else or just you. 

AI said:

3. Specific and Frequent Compliments: While women often compliment each other, her compliments will be frequent, specific, and focused on personal aspects (like your personality, style, or intellect) rather than just a general “I like your top.”

My verdict:

Maybe. I do agree with the “I like your top” part – that’s the kind of thing I’d even say to a small child. I think if she is making an effort to listen to what you are saying or observe something thoughtful that she likes about you and then offer you a compliment, that’s a good sign. I would say that women are socialised to be people-pleasers though and my straight friends are probably more comfortable being complimentary with each other than the lesbians I know are. So while this is promising, I’d definitely want to see several other signs from this list as well, before getting too excited.

AI said:

4. Remembering Small Details: She demonstrates deep interest by remembering small, personal details about you, your life, or things you’ve said in passing.

My verdict:

I agree that this is definitely an attempt to build connection. Many people have a lot going on, a lot to remember and weren’t even really listening in the first place. Even if a woman is too shy to use physical touch, body language or strong eye contact to indicate her interest in you, this way is a lot more subtle and achievable. 

As with all of them, I would think about the context – does she do this for everyone? Does she seem like she wants you to notice that she remembers? Does she remember things that are important to her, or things that are only about you and your life? Has she recently started to try doing this more? If she doesn’t do this, remember that some people with ADHD, for example, have attention and short-term memory differences. She may be interested in you, but may not show it in this particular way.

Also be a bit careful with someone who seems a bit too interested (especially if they agree with everything you say or seem to have very similar interests and experiences). Some people will mirror you because they don’t have a strong sense of self, or because they are using unhealthy ways to get you thinking that you are soulmates and perfect for each other. While the attention feels nice, make sure you are asking them questions too and that they are willing to share some of their original thoughts and preferences.

AI said:

5. Seeking Alone Time: She will make excuses to spend time alone with you (instead of in a group) and may drag out goodbyes, indicating a reluctance to leave your company.

My verdict:

Yes I’d say that this one is a good indicator, I don’t have much to add here. These are good signs of interest, especially if it happens more than once. Bonus points if she asks you for your phone number. She may with the premise of sending you something you’ve been talking about, like a link to something online or a group photo you were both in. That’s a low-risk way of getting your phone number and it’s a good indicator of interest.

AI said:

6. Nervousness or Flirting: She may become noticeably nervous, shy, or flustered when you are near, or, conversely, she might engage in clear flirting, teasing, or suggestive banter that goes beyond typical friendly conversation.

My verdict:

Yes, agree with this one too. If she is confident, you might see the flirting or teasing behaviour, but in my experience, it is the nervousness which is more likely to be seen. Unless you are a particularly intimidating character or she has something else to be nervous about, why would she be nervous, shy or flustered? Obviously pay attention to how she seems with other people, in case she is just quite shy in general. If someone gets flustered around you, it suggests that they care what you think about them – a good sign that she might be interested in you.

AI said:

7. Mentioning Her Sexuality: She may casually or directly bring up the fact that she likes women (e.g., mentioning an ex-girlfriend, a queer artist, or a Pride event) to see how you react or to signal her orientation.

My verdict:

Potentially. She also may mention a famous lesbian singer such as Girl in Red or Chappell Roan in order to drop a hint about her sexuality. It’s not necessarily because she is interested though. She may just want to be open and honest or she may have guessed that you are also a lesbian and want to signal solidarity and safety. If she then tries to find out whether you are single, or points out that she is single, that’s a promising sign.

AI said:

8. Lingering Eye Contact: This is a heavily emphasized sign. She will hold eye contact for a moment longer than a friendly interaction would require (often called “the lesbian eye contact”), and her stare may feel particularly intense.

My verdict:

I think this is probably the most misleading piece of advice. There are a few reasons why someone might like you but not give extended eye contact. In (for example some Latino and East Asian) cultures, it is actually considered rude. Abuse survivors may find eye contact difficult and neurodivergent people can also find it overwhelming, particularly when trying to talk and look into someone’s eyes at the same time. For some, averting one’s gaze can help them regulate their nervous system, if making eye contact with someone they like feels like too much. And then some people are just a bit shy. 

If I like someone, I’m going to find it very difficult to look into their eyes. I’ll probably try to do it briefly and then look away and back. I’ll almost never look into someone’s eyes for an extended time, in fact if I’m doing that, it probably means I don’t care what you think of me! So don’t let this one be the be all and end all. 

If someone is doing this though, it could well mean that they like you – they are giving you their attention and they probably like what they see. If you lock eyes in a way that feels meaningful the very first time they see you it is a good sign. If you catch each other’s eye across a room several times, that could be more than just a coincidence, especially if they smile too. If they are doing this in combination with some of the other signs on this list, there is definitely potential!

AI said:

9. Glancing at Lips: She may break eye contact momentarily to look down at your lips and then back up, signaling a desire to kiss you.

My verdict:

Yes, especially if she isn’t trying to do it subtly. Some people do look at people’s mouths when talking, so try to see whether she does it with anyone else, or look for a few of the other signs on this list to back it up. 

AI said:

10. Undivided Attention: When you are speaking, she gives you her complete, undivided attention, tuning out the people and activities around you.

My verdict:

Yes, a good sign, but if you’ve read this far you probably know what I’m going to say next! Try to see if she does this with everyone, or just you. Some people are very attentive, polite and good active listeners. Make sure she is also doing a couple of other things on this list too. Does she ask you to send her a link to something you’ve mentioned? That means she’s willing to give you her phone number, which is a very good sign.

AI said:

11. A “Gut Feeling”: Many articles note a feeling of increased tension or an “erotic charge”—a sense that the dynamic between you has changed from platonic to romantic.

My verdict:

Hmmm. This one is simultaneously the most and least useful on the list in my opinion. It is the most useful because our subconscious mind is so much more powerful than our analytical, thinking brain. Your energy is communicating with hers on levels we don’t quite understand and this is something we can’t really override. So if you get the feeling that someone is interested or there is an unusual energetic link between you and another woman, pay attention to that.

However our energy usually gets filtered through our thinking brain. Our traumas, attachment styles and societal conditioning can override it. Some women could be convinced that they are 100% straight (I should know, I was one of them for many years). Or they are avoidant and feelings of connection end up scaring them away, or they could be detached from understanding their feelings for other reasons. We also tend to second-guess our intuition, for example we feel that someone likes us, but we have been told many times that if they liked us, they would be making prolonged eye contact. So we ignore our intuition.

So this one is powerful, but doesn’t mean that things will play out in a straightforward way.

Bonus 12th tip:

12. I’m going to add a couple of other body language behaviours which are promising signs that are often talked about. One, look at where their feet are pointing. If they are pointing towards you, especially when there are others around, that’s a good sign. Two, if you are in a group and everyone laughs, she will look at the person she feels most connected to. If that’s you, that’s a positive sign that she could be interested in you. Of course, take these into context and look for multiple signs.

Good luck out there. For my final tip I’ll say that if you like someone, don’t overthink it, just give it a try. If she is rude to you, you dodged a bullet. If she likes you back, awesome! If you approach it like that, it’s a win-win situation.

PS I’m a femme lesbian with zero flirting ability, who loses all social skills if I like someone. I suspect I’m not the only one. So I’ve designed some clothes and accessories to help lesbians subtly (or not so subtly in some cases!) let each other know who they are and get conversations started. You can check them out at Redbubble here. Good luck out there!